In November 2016, I was living in Cleveland, Ohio. I moved there when I was 22 years old, fresh out of nursing school. My first job was at the renowned Cleveland Clinic, however, I didn’t complete my orientation, and that was only February 2017 – not even three months into the job.
The following month, I got a second job at a skilled nursing facility. I had lost 10 pounds from not bringing food to work. I tried, but I never had the time to even sit down for 5 minutes. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom. I wish I was joking. I wish I was exaggerating — but I’m not. Every day I went to work I would get this pit of dread in my stomach, that ball of anxiety landed with a thud and settled until I got home.
Actually no, even when I was home, I would think of work. It was awful. I found no respite, even in sleep. I would have nightmares about messing up and getting fired. The only escape I had was drinking. The amount I drank, looking back, was scary. It got to the point where I needed it to forget my work life and be in the moment.
I was not treated with respect. I was overworked, underpaid, and I almost wanted to quit the profession that I had worked about 4 years to be a part of. I needed to drink after every shift, so that I could forget and numb myself to the day’s events.
I was not happy. I didn’t feel like I was living the life I wanted. I didn’t even feel like I was living like me. I ended up quitting that job in August 2017. And then, I was crushed by my depression.
I had lost myself. I had no idea who I was if I wasn’t a nurse. I was all by myself in an unfamiliar place. My anxiety plagued me on the worst days and gently placed its cold and clammy hands on my shoulders on the good days. It was not the way I had envisioned my life. So I decided that I needed something to do with all of my free time. Amazon had a program that would let me read an unlimited amount of selected books for free for 30 days. Of course, I didn’t start until I had two weeks left in the trial period. On a whim, I downloaded a book called “Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It” by Kamal Ravikant.
That book, honest to God, saved my life.
The message was clear: say “I love myself” multiples times each day. The first time I did it, I felt dumb. Why am I saying this because a book told me to? Oh yeah, because I’m desperate.
That practice slowly but surely allowed me to take back control of my life and what I was doing with it. It reminded me that I am more than just my job. I am not just a nurse. I have desires, values, and other beliefs that make me, me. It reminded me to love myself, which, at that point, I couldn’t remember the last time I truly loved myself.
It woke me up to the effect of self love. If I hadn’t read that book, I don’t know what my life would be like at all. But luckily, I don’t have to think about that. I can just focus on what I am doing right here and right now. I knew that I really got something out of this book because I had recommended it and a few of its teachings to several of my friends and loved ones.
But just the thought of this book, even eight years later, sends shivers down my spine. Fun fact: the author did a re-release of this book in January 2020, right before COVID hit and of course I had to read it again. The message still holds steady and it has reaffirmed what I am doing for myself today.
I am loving myself.